A client wanted some special “retouching” on some of his photographs. The actual request, unedited:
I want you to modify a photography (more later if i’m please with your work) who contain a dressed woman and i want you to male her naked, then put her in a explicit position, making sex…
Me: Hi, I’m just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say ‘programs’ for the third question?
Client: NO. What I sent along was completely accurate, I wrote and edited it myself. Just copy it over exactly as it says, I’ll explain it nice and slowly for you.
Me: ‘Please indicate which pogroms you’ve attended?’
Client: Yeah, that should be programs.
A client hadn’t replied to my latest proof. I asked if he’d seen it yet, to which he replied:
"There are too many words. I don’t like to read that much (nor do I have the time), and frankly, I don’t think other people do either"
There were literally seven words on the proof.
Client: It says my username and password don’t match.
Me: Ok. Is the caps lock on?
Me: Are you sure? Because the password has to be in all lower case letters in order for it to work.
Client: I’m not stupid. The caps lock is not on. Just tell me how to fix my computer.
Me: Ok. Look right above the number pad on your keyboard. Are any of those lights lit?
Client: Yes, all of them, but that has nothing to do with the problem.
Client: “I really liked your proposal, but I thought about it overnight and I feel that getting a website is really a last resort.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Client: “Like if someone’s business is failing, they would want to advertise and maybe get a website. But since my business is fine, I don’t want to send that sort of message to my customers.”
Client: “My friend says that he has a website that runs regardless of whether or not the internet is working.”
Me: “No he doesn’t.”
Client: “Are you calling my friend Kenneth a liar?”
Me: “No, just that maybe Kenneth has been… misguided.”
Client: “Maybe. He DID send a lot of money to that Nigerian prince a while ago.”
Client: “I want this marketing campaign we ran in the 80’s as our homepage. One of our old groomers drew it up. It’s kooky and retro.”
Me: “Oh!… Uh….Oh, I can’t put this up.”
Client: “Why not? Is it because it has a Chinaman on it?”
Me: “A Chinese man. A caricature of a Chinese man chasing a dog with a knife and fork, yelling ‘ME SORRY’…”
Client: “Are we not still laughing at that stuff?”
Me: “What browser are you on?”
Me: “Google Chrome?”
Client: “No, just regular Google.”
Me: “That’s the site. I want to know the browser.”
Client: “Look, we can have this conversation forever, man. But when I hit the internet logo, Google comes up!”
Me: “Okay…What does that “internet logo” look like?
Client: “…A fiery fox, I guess. But that’s irrelevant.”